On the Spin #4

Current mood: Like my feet are chained to the earth.

Listening: 

• Needy, Molly Burch: "Oh I can be needy, way too damn needy/I can be needy, tell me how good it feels to be needed..." 
  
  
• The Audible edition of Lafcadio Hearn's Japanese Ghost Stories, read by Eleanor Matsuura. Nothing I'd rather listen to while wandering my new neighbourhood, replete with ghosts I've yet to meet...

Reading: 

• Four Eternal Women: Toni Wolff Revisited - A Study in Opposites, Mary Dian Molton and Lucy Anne Sikes. This explores the four psychic archetypes of women in patriarchy that Toni Wolff designed: the Mother, the Hetaira, the Amazon and the Medial Woman.
  
  Archetypes are always an attempt to simplify what is not by nature simple, and of course we contain them all; we are legion. But part of me struggles with the realisation that I identify most easily with the Hetaira, even as I feel the relief that often accompanies a long-desired diagnosis.
  
  A Hetaira's ego is mostly fed by the health and quality of her relationship to men or a particular man. She spends her energies helping them better realise and understand themselves, even as, ideally, she develops her own work and maintains a necessary autonomy. But there's a shadow part of my brain thinking, what if I have no great work of my own, and this is all I'm for? I hate it.
  
  On the other hand, I love the Hetairas that have walked with me in folklore and history: Aphrodite, Inanna, Circe, Simone de Beauvoir, Toni Wolff herself, and even Lyra Bellacqua of His Dark Materials. For all Lyra's scrappy independence—all the change she effects in whole universes!—in the myth logic of the world she lives in, she is Eve. One does not exclude the other.

Watching: 

• His Dark Materials on HBO. I'd still gladly name my hypothetical daughter Lyra, something I decided when, as a kid, I first read this trilogy. Unrelated: I recently thought, if I ever have a son, I shall call him Rilke.
  
  Dix Pour Cent on Netflix. I miss this show when it's not around. It is just different enough from my old life to feel like reprieve, but similar enough that the stakes feel like my own. Also, it's a love letter to the Paris that I know, or once knew. She is becoming something else now, changing like the rest of us.

Studying: 

• Myths, always myths, forever myths. I'm reading about Yaqui mythology presently, and of course there is my ongoing osmosis of Japanese ghost stories, which have a few charming resonances with Celtic stories, for example. Following the logic of Michael Witzel, that means such themes and stories are far older than even the cultures we happen to learn them in, scaling all the way back, perhaps, to the route from Africa.
  
  To wit: A worthy man follows a beautiful immortal across the sea and into a world of endless summer, where he passes several blissful years married to her. Then, missing his family, he asks to go home for a visit. Alarmed, and fearing she'll never see him again, she gives him something to ensure he can return if he can just follow one instruction. (You see where this is going.) Of course, he returns to his village to discover hundreds of years have passed, all his people are dead, and defies the one instruction required to assure his return.
  
  This is the story of Oisín following Niamh to Tír na nÓg, but it's also the story of Urashima Tarō, following the Sea God's daughter to the Dragon Palace across the Sea of Japan.

Something I wish: 

• The earlier part of Covid confinement was easier. I imagined myself on Aiaia, cultivating my own desires, finally, with the patience of eternity yawning before me. It is harder to maintain a grip on this mindset these days. I'm not sure why. Or rather, I am: Relationship disruptions, separation from my partner of 10 years, after we both tried so hard; moving; the inability to travel freely, which so punctuated my life up to this point; and returning to what feels like the unstructured, more compressed but chaotic life of student with no clear trajectory ahead.
  
  At this point in life, people have settled into a certain level of material and rhythmic stability, spreading out into larger spaces, buying homes. I feel like I did all that first, then dropped those balls and ran backward, or sideways. Somewhere off the map. When people come to visit my new, smaller apartment, however charming it is and glad I am to have so exquisite and apt an Angela nest, I wonder if this is what they think about: she went backward. Why?
  
  I wish it were easier to maintain the embodied conviction of Aiaia.

Looking forward to:

• Something that feels like safe haven.

Projects: 

• I joined the board of Creatives for Climate, an opportunity to direct years of creative experience into helping other creatives locate meaning in their work and effect long-term environmental systems change. Our recent learning event gave me a chance to try filtering my myth learnings into the larger world:

• I'm still representing women in esports for Hurrah—which is now a group, not a baby anymore!—and WIGJ:

"Mobile gaming is over 60% female, & women play 25% longer than men do" - @HurrahForEsport's Angela Natividad (@luckthelady), just one of the many leaders we asked how women can be further empowered in esports. More in @thathbduran's #EsportsBAR blogpost: https://t.co/Gx8KEIGmRN pic.twitter.com/tr169Neaky

— Esports BAR (@esports_bar) April 9, 2021

• I'm quite proud of what I'm building as Insights editor for L'Atelier BNP Paribas, France's oldest think tank. 
  
  
• And I kicked off a new questionnaire series for Muse, focused on people reinventing themselves, since so many of us seem to be doing that work right now.

• Late last year, I went back to grad school at Dartington Arts, where I'm working on an MA in their inaugural Poetics of Imagination programme. It's about oral storytelling and myth, my bread and butter these days. I just finished my second term paper, on the theme of betrayal as ritual in the story of Tristan and Isolde, and it enriched me in ways I didn't know I required. Whole days and nights of madness were spent trying to birth that paper, and when it was over it was as if my soul had eaten a complete meal.

All good work here. All crunchy, magical things. I'm just longing for my winged sandals. 

Underworld journeys are necessary, and we romanticise initiation times while skirting over the fact that they are, by necessity, agonising and uncomfortable. A death is required.

Knowing this intellectually does not make it easier to live through. I don't think it is meant to be easy. Maybe the trick is ignoring the urge to try constantly escaping it.

Sometimes Blogger feels like a crumbling empire. All the villagers left long ago; there's just birds here now, and stone edifices in various states of toppling. I like it.

On the Spin #3

Current mood: Witchy. Also: Gangster of the Oregon Trail.

Listening:

• Dolly Parton's America, a 9-part podcast series about our very own pop goddess of the (political) crossroads. If you thought of her as a punchline, there's a reason for it. Did you know she wrote "I Will Always Love You"? Some of her oldest "sad-ass songs" have a mythic backstory: They hail from grisly murder ballads she heard as a little girl in the country, themselves evolutions of murder ballads that traversed centuries and the ocean. Even if you love Dolly, you have nothing close to a full picture of what we inherit from her culturally.

• The Missing Cryptoqueen. An 8-part podcast series about Ruja Ignatova, who masterminded OneCoin, the biggest ongoing crypto-scam in cryptocurrency's short life. On this quest to learn what became of her (she vanished into thin air!), we learn how she leveraged cult tactics and MLM motivation—not to mention piles of princess dresses—to mount a scam so epic it makes me feel... well, unambitious, frankly. This bitch is Frank Ocean.

• Clipping's music is a modern example of storytelling as medicine, a shamanic tradition as old as community.

There's this song Clipping did called The Deep that recounts the history of an undersea people who hail from the pregnant women on slave ships who were flung overboard.

It won a Hugo Award and has been transformed into a novel by Rivers Solomon. Read all about it.

Reading:

• Pharmako/Gnosis by Dale Pendell, the last of a trilogy on poisons/plant allies, and not just the usual suspects; nicotine, alcohol, caffeine and chocolate count among them. (Surprised? Learn how they came to dominate our cultures, and in some cases not be seen as drugs at all, or at least be seen as the least of the evils, which isn't remotely true.) It is poetry, chemistry, botany, politics, folklore. It is our story through eyes shared with silent manipulators. Here's a passage from the second book, Pharmako/Dynamis, about our culture's addiction to fossil fuels: "Every speed junkie uses until it is gone. That’s what we’ll do, I’m afraid.”
• L'homme qui savait la langue des serpents (The Man Who Spoke Snakish) by Andrus Kivirahk is a translation of an Estonian bestseller, where it draws from cultural lore. On its face it's about how a country becomes industrialised—what is gained and lost. Mostly, it's about what is lost: A sacred connectedness to people, land and animals in exchange for overwork, nifty gadgets and prestige. Also, if you were born able to speak Snakish and fear you're evil because of Harry Potter, this book will tell you you're not a creeper; you've just inherited a mythic talent that'll ensure you never go hungry, unlike the dummies around you. Well, provided you live in the forest.
• Honoring Your Ancestors: A Guide to Ancestral Veneration, by Mallorie Vaudoise. I developed an ancestor veneration practice this summer and am stunned by how it's changed my mind, daily movements, and relationship to family or local history. There's a school of thought that posits our lack of cultural space for ancestor veneration, which is anomalous in the story of civilization, is central to why we are neurotic about death and have, to boot, yielded toxic-AF systems. I don't know if I believe that wholesale, but I believe it's at least a contributor.

Something I'd read if someone wrote it: 

• A comparative essay on the work of Billie Eilish and JPEGMafia. They are both of our time, approaching its Ionescan absurdity in ways more similar than different. Don't @ me.

Studying: 

• Modern Hekatean Witchcraft. It's fucking hard, but not how you'd expect. I feel like Hermione without a Time-Turner, and boy am I going through a lot of candles and sea salt!

• Babaylan. The modern approach to reclaiming the pre-colonial Filipinx community "witch" is intellectually satisfying and meaningful: kapwa (a word for "me," but also "us") is used as a compass to approach decolonization, and also animism. Babaylan is also broken down into the dynamic embodiment of five community roles: Visionary. Teacher. Healer. Warrior. Priestess. I love all of this, every last drop. Some Babaylan reclaimers are intellectuals; others are healers with gorgeous planty Instagrams; others, tribal tattooers; others, practitioners of Arnis Kali Eskrima (which I still practice... sometimes). Babaylan moves through us and blooms kaleidoscopically. Everyone is cross-pollinating to strengthen themselves and the whole.

Playing:

• Oregon Trail! Because this. Also: I RUN THE WILLAMETTE VALLEY.

View this post on Instagram

Just beat #OregonTrail in less than 40 minutes after over TWO DECADES of celibacy, without being a banker, and despite briefly losing my last and most useless child, Harold, early in the game. Everyone can go home. There is no victory left for you. #gaming #oldschoolgames #IRUNWILLAMETTEVALLEYYOUFUCKS #pleaseforgivemeimexcited #alsoexhaustednow

A post shared by Angela Natividad (@luckthelady) on Oct 23, 2019 at 9:32am PDT

Something I wish:

• I become a Twitch streamer who plays old-ass vintage games, mumbles my strategies, curses my stupid youngest son Harold for getting lost again, and ruminates over the future of the planet. People love it, and I make all the monies. You know that shit ain't happening, though.

Looking forward to: 

•  Justice for His Dark Materials. 

On the Spin #2: Podcast Edition

Since NPR One sucks now and is nothing but an endless Trump party with little to no regard for what I skip or like listening to on the regular (despite their promises that the app "just keeps getting smarter!"), I've started listening to podcasts in a big way—consuming maybe 2 or 3 per day, depending on length.

So if you're into that, or don't know where to begin—podcast discovery sucks, frankly—here's a primer on what I listen to now.

10% Happier with Dan Harris. Loved the book; the podcast neatly expands on its content and explores meditation from the perspectives of many. Harris likes to kick off with a segment where he listens to questions people leave on his voicemail. They aren't pre-screened, so it's fun to hear him tackle topics from meditation beginners and strugglers in real-time while always hastening to add, "I am not a meditation expert."

I keep secretly hoping somebody's going to surprise him with something weird, but it hasn't happened yet. Probably the producers pre-screen. Sigh.

His own earnest journey keeps me on board with my own meditation, though. I like his reflection that even if you meditate just a minute a day, that's still a success—a minute given to yourself. It's not a lot, keeps you out of a self-competing mindset ... and it's surprising how difficult it is to even allocate one minute to just you.

2 Dope Queens. My therapist recommended this to me as "homework". It's funny as fuck, super-real and packed with minority and female comedian talent.

A Very Fatal Murder. The Onion's tongue-in-cheek response to podcasts like Serial. It's just as well-produced, blows the lid off the little tropes true-crime podcasters use to keep you hooked, and takes no prisoners.

The Beef and Dairy Network Podcast. Fellow blogger/journo Stuart Dredge recommended this to me. It's a parody of hobbyist podcasts and has gone down a weird journey. At first it hewed so close to seeming true—with cynical fake ads, celeb interviews and name-dropping of "gods" of the beef sector—that it was hard to distinguish from reality until someone said something really weird.

Since then, it's gone down a few bonkers story arcs that border on the surreal. The narrator's befuddled, informational and geeky tone never wavers, though... except on the few occasions when he's in mortal danger.

Chiffon le podcast (FR). Intelligent interviews with women and men about the clothes they wear and why. Not all of them are from the fashion industry, which makes it more interesting. Fashion affects all of us in ways we can't begin to imagine.

Code Switch. Your primer to the ongoing identity war that characterises race in America. It often gets really personal. I don't listen if I'm already rattled because I OD'ed on news before getting up, though; it sometimes makes me hysterically, existentially upset.

Death, Sex + Money. From student loans to modern dating, this 'cast explores the intersection of culture, economy and why certain modern micro-experiences are surprisingly universal.

Endless Thread. My new favourite, which seizes on obscure Reddit stories or explosive memes, then explores the true stories behind them.

Game Scoop! A weekly dive into new stuff in gaming. The banter is awesome—like being in a roomful of friends—and it ends with a 20 Questions segment that's super fun.

Generation XX (FR). Interviews with female entrepreneurs—why they started their companies, what inspires them, advice for neophytes.

La Poudre (FR). Lengthy, personal interviews with feminists of all sectors and stripes. I like it when Lauren Bastide asks, "What's your relationship to your uterus?" It's neat to hear how many ways there are to approach that question. Also, no one is ever surprised by it.

Lexicon Valley. If you're a linguistics or English geek, this geek is for you. Plus his musical choices are adorably on-the-nose and dorky.

My Dad Wrote a Porno. I'm hoping I don't have to explain this—but if I do, basically a stereotypically fusty dad in retirement asks his son to read a book he's working on. His son realises the book is weird erotica about a woman climbing the ladder of the "pots and pans industry". His dad reveals he's already written multiple volumes.

Each season of is an almost painful reading of each book in its entirety, full of improbable scenarios—blue sperm, men grabbing cervixes—and other scenarios that are surprisingly probable (like that one time we all discovered that flight crews really do have a secret sleeping cabin where they may or may not orgy up with strangers). My favourite segments are the Footnotes with celeb guests who are die-hard fans.

Planet Money. A nice companion to Death, Sex and Money—except it's taking economic phenomena, then reverse-engineering them to explain how or why they came to be.

Pop Culture Happy Hour. From recent books to shows and films, this panel of close professional friends runs the gamut of every emotion you'll need to prep for before committing to your next act of consumption.

Radiolab. It's weird. It's smart. It takes you down rabbit holes.

Simplify. Blinkist's beloved podcast offering invites non-fiction authors to break down the key learnings from their work, and share books they love.

Stay Tuned with Preet. American politics in real-time from a high-level insider perspective. It stays on-point, explains how the innerworkings of our government impact stories that become clickbait, and never gets ranty, which is a fucking relief in this news cycle.

The Game Informer Show. My cousin described this 'cast best: It's a panel of people "very politely talking about gaming." Doesn't quite do it credit but now I can't stop thinking about how delighted he was when he said it.

The Guilty Feminist. Mostly I like this podcast because at start, a panel of women reveal the secret not-quite-feminist things they still sometimes think, do and say. It makes you feel less, well, guilty.

The Tim Ferriss Show. I haven't always been a Tim Ferriss fan, but he's going through this weird journey of awakening right now and has become infinitely more interesting since, because he's so vulnerable and is obviously trying to figure shit out.

Contrary to previous years, the podcast is less focused on pure-business topics intended to light fires of capitalism under your ass and more on long-term strategy, human insights and things that just make you better, not necessarily just to make money. I still skip the testosteroney intro, though.

Waking Up with Sam Harris. Sam Harris has more of an intellectual approach to the concept of "awakening" than Dan Harris does (and his monotonous voice shows it). Sometimes the segments are really enlightening and interesting; sometimes things devolve into arguments; sometimes I can't stand to listen because Sam Harris has a surprising tendency to shut down certain lines of discussion, or perspectives he can't identify with, wholesale. But it's probably also good for me to keep listening, so I keep it around when I need brain fibre or am just interested in a topic (like psychedelics).

This post was way less interesting than I thought it would be before I started. Oh, well. It's done now, so I'm publishing.

On the Spin #1

I have a good feeling about this year. This is all the cool shit I've already gotten into. Think of it as a catechism for navel-gazing. (Because I do.)

Listening:

• If you liked the first season of Serial, you'll love Offshore. Brought to us by Honolulu Civil Beat and PRX, season one revolves around the killing of Kollin Elderts by a white mainland cop, and its relationship to an 80-year-old case and police violence today. You'll also learn about the complicated history of race and colonialism in Hawaii. I'm hooked.
• The Hamilton Mixtape, free on Spotify or your streaming service of choice. I don't know what you're doing if you're not listening to this. Everybody's on it—including Nas, Regina Spektor, The Roots and even Ben Folds, but my favourite track so far is Immigrants (We Get the Job Done) by K'Naan. I don't know. It's catchy. Also, it's basically the theme of my whole life right now.

Reading:

• Monstress by Marjorie Liu and illustrated by Sana Takeda—so gorgeous, violent and compelling I can't stand it:

• Aspects of the Novel by EM Forster. Nuggets include: "Scheherazade avoided her fate because she knew how to wield the weapon of suspense—the only literary tool that has any effect upon tyrants and savages."

Studying: 

• I'm doing the James Patterson writing class on Masterclass.com. One of the best things about it so far has been checking the outline for Honeymoon (included in the workbook) against the final text of the book. I learned so much from that exercise alone.
• I'm a huge Neil Gaiman fan, and he has whole sections of his site devoted to blossoming authors, including how to get published, writing comics, and handling revisions.

Coveting:

• The Penguin Galaxy Series boxed set designed by Alex Trochut (and featuring a series intro by Neil Gaiman). It's low-hanging fruit for sci-fi fans. I've read most of these books, but now that I'm reading primarily on Kindle, I weigh the cost of owning a real book by emotional, iconic or artistic merit. This is a mouth-watering combination of all three.

Looking forward to:

• AMERICAN FUCKING GODS ON STARZ!

Projects: 

• Sometimes being an expat means acting as a crossroads for people en route to elsewhere. You learn to get comfortable with friendship as shifting sand. So I've decided to ask all present and future friends to bring me something when we meet: A translation of The Little Prince, in hopes I can score all 253 translations before I die. More on this later, probably. I don't know how seriously I'm taking it yet ... but a German version is already on the way, along with a new friend!
• I'm reorganising my bookcase (stacked—a first for me!) and am kicking off my first big Mystery Giveaway, in which one or two people get the whole lot of volumes transitioning off my shelf. Remember the mystery funpacks at the comic store, how you knew they were filled with crap but it only took one great discovery to make the cost worth it? That's how I feel about this. Except there's no cost; I'm covering everything, including shipping. (I really should have thought this through.)