As America regains composure following another failed Rapture, Asst. Surgeon General Ali Khan arrives at an epiphany: the only way to get enough people to listen to reason is to wrap it in a big beaming package of insane.
I give you the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's Safety Guidelines for a Zombie Apocalypse.
"So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen?", Khan begins after giving a weirdly detailed explanation of the significance of zombies. "First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house."
He describes in bullets what such a kit should contain, then asks you to assess disasters that could occur in your area ("Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes"), identify possible evacuation routes, and set up two accessible meeting places for family members if connectivity wanes.
